Difficult Conversations: Tips and Tricks

Time to read: 62 seconds

I have a few more thoughts about difficult conversations that didn't fit neatly into the series. So, here they are, in no particular order:

• The best way to deal with difficult conversations is to have good relationships. Bad news and hard topics are easier to manage when the relationship is on solid ground. When relationships are strained, hard conversations rarely go well. So, prioritize connection and relationship building.
• Conflicts are almost never about the thing. They are almost always about the feelings and the relationship. I worked as a community meditator in a small claims court many years ago and learned that conflict is never about the money. They were always about feeling cheated or a friendship that fell apart or betrayed or hurt. Reactions to bad news are about sadness, fear, or uncertainty. So, address that deeper level when engaging in hard conversations, not just the topic.
• You don't need to justify yourself. When you are drawing a boundary ("We will not talk politics at Thanksgiving") or breaking up ("This isn't working for me anymore""I'm letting you go. This job isn't a good fit"), you don't have to justify yourself. Often, there is no productive argument. You are simply explaining what you will and won't do, what you will and won't tolerate. "This doesn't work for me" is enough. End of story. Except....
• When you need to deliver a hard performance evaluation or give someone feedback in an ongoing relationship, the other person deserves an explanation and additional information.

Next week: A few more tips and tricks about difficult conversations.

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

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Difficult Conversations: What If Someone Can't Hear You?

Time to read: 1.37 minutes

We've covered the structure of difficult conversations, how to prepare and what to say. If you missed the beginning of the series all my newsletters are available on my website here.

Today I want to address a question from a reader:

Try on this situation:

You end a relationship. You follow all the steps of how to deliver bad news outlined in the past few weeks. The other person will respond. Here are some possible conversations:

• You: I'm about to say something that will be hard for you to hear. I'm ending our relationship. (Then you sit silently for a minute.)

1. Possible Response #1: Thank you so much for telling me. It's been such an honor to know you. I wish you all the best. (Ha! You wish!)
2. Possible Response #2: What? I had no idea there was anything wrong! I need more information. This is so unfair.
3. Possible Response #3: You're the worst person in the world. How could you say you love me and then break up with me? You're the problem. It's not fair. I hate you. (Fill in a series of expletives.)
4. Possible Response #4: Fill in the blank with any number of other responses.

The point here is that you have zero agency (I mean none, nada, never) over how the other person responds. You don't decide how they receive what you say. You don't decide if they hear you or not.

It's so hard if someone doesn't respond well or doesn't hear you.

And…their response gives you information. About who they are, what they are capable of and not capable of, their maturity level, what they care about.

Then you get to decide what you will and will not do, the boundaries you draw, how hard you're willing to work for the other person's sake. You get to decide if you will continue the relationship.

You can't make someone hear you. You can decide what to do with the fact that they won't hear you.

Next week: A few more tips and tricks about difficult conversations.

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

If you love this series, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up here.

Difficult Conversations: What To Do After The Opening

Time to read: 54 seconds

Welcome back to the next installment of Difficult Conversations. If you missed the first part of this story, you'll find last week's newsletter on my website here.

We left our poor manager and employee hanging. The hard message was delivered, the manager shut her mouth, now what?

• Give the person back their power. The easiest way to do that is to ask them what they need next. Once someone has heard… "You're not getting a raise," "I'm no longer paying your rent", or "We're going to the cabin for Christmas, on our own", the other person can't hear a thing. So, you say, "Do you need a minute?" or "Would you like to go home for the rest of the day? We can continue this conversation later." Then let them go. Or continue if that's what they choose. The important thing is to offer them autonomy and choice.
• Set a time to talk again so it's not hanging out there.
• Finish the feedback, share your plans, explain your reasoning (now or later).
• End the conversation with positivity and appreciation, "I know this was hard. Thank you for sticking with it." "I really appreciate that we could have this conversation." "Thank you for understanding."

Someone asked, "What do you do when people don't hear you?" That's next week.

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

If you love this newsletter, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up here.

Difficult Conversations: How To Begin

Time to read: 1 minute, 35 seconds

So far, we've talked about how to prepare yourself and how to prepare your words for a difficult conversation.

Today is important…How do you start a hard conversation?

Your opening words are important in setting the tone and launching a productive conversation.

I often tell clients, you only need your first line and then trust yourself to handle whatever happens next.

Let's set up an example so I can give you a script…hmmmm…Let's say you have to give someone a hard performance review with no raise or promotion. Here's how to start:

• Prevent a blindside or waiting: Keep in mind that the other person may have no idea this is coming. You've been prepping for days, and they are coming in cold. A blindside doesn't generally go well. Nor does, "We have to talk. I'll set up time for next week" (which causes painful waiting and speculation). Even if they know it's coming, you want to be kind and respectful.
• Transparency: Lead with transparency and a heads-up. "What I'm about to say may be hard to hear" or "There are a lot of good things to talk about, and I'm going to begin with the hard parts.", Now the other person has a moment to set their expectations.
• Get straight to the point. Don't sugarcoat, delay the bad news, or try to cover it with the "good" stuff." It sounds like this: "You are not receiving a raise or promotion this year. I know you were hoping for more, and I want to outline the feedback we've received."
• Stop talking! This is the hard part. Give the person a minute to absorb the information. At this point, they can't hear anything you say so hold your words.

You have now opened the hard conversation. These same steps apply in personal contexts, too. ("What I'm about to say makes me sad. I can't come to your wedding." Close your mouth and wait! "This is going to be hard to hear. I'm not going to continue paying your rent." Close your mouth and wait!)

Ooooohhh…a Corporate Rebel cliffhanger.

Next week: What happens next?

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here

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Difficult Conversations: How To Prepare

Time to read: 1 minute, 23 seconds

I don't take photos of people in conflict so you're gonna get random pictures of my pets. :-)

Last week, I talked about handling your emotions so you can enter a difficult conversation as cleanly as you can.

A comment about your emotions: That advice assumes, of course, that you have time to give yourself space (for example: when informing an employee they won't be getting a raise). You may find yourself delivering bad news in an emergency (for example, "Dad is in the hospital!"). The same conversational structure applies, and you may not have time to temper your own emotions before you make the phone call.

When you have time, I highly recommend preparation. Think about these things:

• What is the purpose of the conversation?
• What do you hope you and the other person will get out of it?
• What will you say?
• How will you say it?
• Who do you want to be in the conversation?

I recommend writing a script for yourself or at least some thoughts. It's not like you have to walk in with a set of notecards. And, it helps to know the point you want to make, the important information to convey, and how you want to conduct yourself.

Your script might look like this:

• Conversation with sister.
• Goal, get aligned on care for our parents. Stay in a relationship when we don't see eye-to-eye.
• Opening sentence: It's clear we both love our parents. What I'm about to say may be hard to hear. Please stay with me as we work through this emotional situation.
• Being: Be loving and slow down. Remember to listen and value what she says. Connect, even when it's hard.

Preparation will make the conversation go smoothly (although, coming soon…you have no control over how the other person responds).

Next week: How to open the conversation

Please reach out anytime with your questions and comments. I love to hear from you! Email me here.

If you love this newsletter, please share it with your colleagues. They can sign up for it here.

Difficult Conversations: Where To Start?

Time to read: 1 minute, 16 seconds

Welcome to the series on difficult conversations! I'm going to take you step-by-step through the anatomy of a hard conversation. By the end, you'll have a complete toolkit for how to prepare, what to say, and how to handle the other person (people) as well as yourself.

This series addresses how to deliver bad news, handle conflict and bad feelings, or say things that are hard to hear. I'll address both personal and professional conversations, give examples, and offer scripts you can lift from the page and try in your life and work.

Where to start? Oh right…at the beginning.

Let's assume you have a situation like this:

• Telling a client you are raising their rates
• Delivering a bad performance review
• Delivering any kind of bad news
• Pushing back on your boss or colleague
• Handling a friend or family member who has hurt you

Your first step is to prepare yourself. In any situation where you have been hurt or have to deliver unpopular news, you will have feelings and reactions. You may be:

• Nervous
• Angry
• Afraid
• Dreading
• Nauseous
• Betrayed
• Sad

So your first step is get clean with yourself. Find a place to experience your feelings: talk to a friend, cry in your car, scream in the shower, twist a towel. Do what you need to do to handle your feelings so they don't muddy the conversation.

Please don't expect to feel GREAT when you deliver bad news. You just don't want to be in reaction.

So, the first step is give yourself some time and space to handle your feelings so you can enter the conversation clean.

Next week: How to prepare

As this series rolls out, if you have questions, please reach out anytime, email me . I love to hear from you!

You All Are The BEST!

Time to read: Less than a minute

Wow…you all brought it. You told me what you need, and I have a loooong list of great topics to share with you. Here's a sample:

• Guilt
• Time management
• Emotional regulation
• Giving and receiving feedback
• Challenging and motivating a high-performing team
• How to transition jobs
• Growing leaders
• Coping skills

Managing difficult conversations was a popular option so that will be the first topic, starting next week. A few of you asked how to have difficult conversations across divides. Gotta think about that one. I appreciate the challenge.

If you have friends or colleagues who would benefit from any of these topics, they can join this newsletter here.

If you didn't get a chance to tell me what you need, there's still time! Email me here.

Stay tuned. Difficult conversations starting next week.